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Father to Father: Special Kids, Special Dads
Special Kids, Special Dads
by Doug Arnold
Texas Home School Coalition REVIEW
© May 2005
"I'm having a baby, my Baby and me!"
Ricky sang this song to Lucy when he found out they were expecting
their little bundle of joy. Dreams are born before the baby
arrives. Dads buy footballs, baseballs, over-sized ball caps from
their favorite teams and place these items in the crib. What a
thrill it is to be on the receiving end of a new life being
birthed into this world! Your dreams are now embodied in this
fragile, little bundle of energy ... your child. Whether this is
your first child or your sixth, each child represents a new dream.
Go with me now into my feelings and thoughts the day my
stereotypical dream bubble burst for my second son. A severe
reaction to a vaccine booster caused a serious seizure disorder
called Infantile Spasms. As I sat with my wife in the pedi-neurologist's
office, we heard the phrases, "won't sit up," "won't feed
himself," "won't be able to tie his own shoes," and my head began
to spin. How can a kid who cannot tie his shoes run a football for
the winning score? How can a kid who cannot sit up sink the
winning basket at the buzzer? … or hit the winning homerun? I felt
as though the little boy of whom I had dreamed had "died" right
there in that doctor's office. I had to travel through the grief
process - with my wife. The doctor looked at me and informed us
that 90% of marriages with children diagnosed with severe
challenges end in divorce—that the man runs away. I looked at my
wife and informed her that divorce was not an option, and now
eight years later, we will celebrate our 16th anniversary this
spring. My wife and I pressed into the Lord in an all-new way. We
saw the Lord heal our son of the seizure disorder (another, longer
story all its own), but the seizures had done damage to the brain
that led to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder. I still
did not have my typical, little boy back, but it is my charge as
his father to raise him in the ways of the Lord. I found myself
climbing four major stepping stones that I want to share with
other dads whose children have special needs, whether autism or
attention deficit, Down syndrome or dyslexia, or other issues.
The first stone was dealing with the grief process: anger, denial,
blaming and questioning (God), bargaining, and finally acceptance.
While I have come to a place of acceptance, I admit falling back
into the questioning phase now and again. "Why my kid? What is the
reason he has to suffer?" I have posed these questions to the
Lord, who is big enough to handle the tough questions. It took
almost seven years, but I believe I have an answer. The
obstetrician who delivered our two younger children noted that she
had seen a sharp increase in the number of children being born
with Down syndrome over the last ten years. All of these children
were born to Christian parents, parents who would not abandon
these kids either before birth or after for the sake of
convenience. My son was born with a purpose. God created him just
as he is, and once I came to this realization, I saw him in a new
light. Out of our trials and triumphs, life lessons, challenges,
and successes has been born a ministry to other families traveling
the same road. Texas' Special Kids focuses on helping restore hope
to families who want to educate their special needs kids at home.
The Lord has taught us many things along the way, and we are not
finished yet, but we felt a calling to share what we have learned
with others, and we do that through this ministry.
The second stepping stone was making a connection with my special
kid. In our work with other families, I have heard far too many
moms say that their husbands and dads are stuck in the denial
stage and refuse to "connect" with the special needs child. Dads,
you must step up to the plate and get involved! You are the
spiritual head of the entire household, and you must get past your
own grief and the death of the dream and connect with your kid.
Raising typical kids is tough enough, but if you add the extra
needs of a disabled child, you raise the bar considerably. Learn
what you can about the disability, for knowledge might dispel any
fears you may have about your interactions.
As you connect with your special kid, you climb the third step
that allows you to focus on the child's strengths. Autism has not
kept my son from loving life. He is very affectionate, caring, and
sensitive. He is learning reading and math, and he loves to draw.
Every child, no matter his "disability," has a special gift from
the Lord. Stop looking at what your child cannot do and focus on
what he can do, and then build on that toward greater success.
Find that special talent and look for ways you can foster and
encourage the development of that gift.
The fourth, look for ways to stretch your child. Never let a label
hold him back. If he can help with household chores, cook, take
out the trash, wash his laundry—whatever the task—it will help
include the special child in the regular life of the family and
teach skills that are useful later in life. If the child shows an
interest in sports, let him try. My son asked to play baseball
like his brother one spring. We signed him up, but after the third
practice he announced very clearly that he did not like baseball
and did not wish to continue. Setting my pride aside, I granted
his wish, and instead focused on the fact that he was willing to
try something new.
Most importantly, pray for this child. Pray for his salvation, his
challenges in life, his successes, and his healing. Lead your
family with a model of Christlikeness, love your wife (I
acknowledge that my wife works much harder than I do), and pay
special attention to the unique needs of the siblings of the
special needs child. The role to which you have been called is not
always easy, and you must allow the Lord to be your strength and
your wisdom. With that game plan, you and your family will be
healthy and strong.
Read more about Doug
Arnold...
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